Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Give Yoko Something

I've always been fascinated by Yoko Ono. Until the arrival of Cheryl Cole, she was the world's most hated woman. A lesser being would have crumbled under the pressure but the Japanese icon wore the title as a badge of honour and just kept on doing her thing. It's taken 40 odd years but Yoko finally appears to have found her niche - as a 77 year old dance queen! 2007's fabulously titled "Open Your Box" has spawned 9 singles, the latest of which is a remix of her classic 1980 anthem "Give Me Something". The song is currently sitting at #3 on the US club chart and is as good a starting point as any for an exploration of the misunderstood diva's music career. "Walking On Thin Ice" will always be my favourite Ono opus but "Give Me Something" comes a close second. The quirky tune holds up incredibly well, making it the perfect candidate for a dance overhaul. I love the minimal but still meaningful lyrics, while Yoko's wonderfully demented vocal delivery sounds brilliant against the driving club beats. All of the remixes are amazing but I'm obsessed with the Stonebridge Vocal Mix (below). There's something cruel and clinical about the production that just works brilliantly. I wish Australian DJs would show Yoko as much love as their American counterparts because this hot bitch is the new Queen of Clubs! Fact.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Remembering Tamar Braxton

Don't get me wrong. I love Toni Braxton. Anthems like "Breathe Again", "You're Making Me High" and "Un-Break My Heart" defined the 90s. It's difficult then to explain my total lack of enthusiasm about her soon to be released comeback album despite being one of the few people who actually likes her floptastic lead single "Yesterday". The problem is that everytime I see or hear Toni - I get the urge to kneel down and pray for the return of her infinitely more fabulous sister. Tamar Braxton hasn't released a song since 2000 but the intervening decade has only made my heart grow fonder. Much like La Toya, this long suffering songbird never got a fair go from music fans. It seems there was only room for one deep tranny voice on the charts and Toni got in first. Either that or Tamar was simply too tasteful and elegant (see picture below) for the mainstream. I'm going with the latter! For the uninitiated, the youngest Braxton sister was discovered in the bathroom singing "please get me some toilet paper". Believe me, I wish I was joking. That should have been some kind of omen for the tone of the diva's career but more about that later.

Tamar's stunning approach to fashion inspired a generation

Tamar first came to prominence as part of the family group (who else remembers The Braxtons' amazing cover of "The Boss"?) but was singled out by super producer Christopher "Tricky" Stewart as a solo star and released her first and only album in 2000. The first single was a fierce urban jam that managed to be entertaining despite the unwanted presence of Janet's troll husband. I remember being absolutely transfixed by the classy video, which features some of the best stripper moves ever captured on film. However, the album's finest moment was undoubtedly its second single. "If You Don't Wanna Love Me" is one of my all time favourite ballads. Everything about Tamar's timeless anthem is beautiful - from the heartbreaking lyrics to the diva's powerhouse vocal delivery. The song is as good as, if not better than, anything in Toni's back catalogue and should have been a massive hit. Unfortunately, it barely scraped into the top 30 of the R'n'B chart and effectively killed Tamar's career. Since then she's been reduced to singing back up for Toni. The indignity! Make sure you listen to the original ballad version of "If You Don't Wanna Love Me" because I've decided to post something a little more uplifting. I noticed that the brilliant Hex Hector mix was missing from Youtube - a glaring omission that I decided to rectify immediately. In my opinion, this is one of the legendary DJ's best remixes. Tamar's legacy lives on!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Toy Toy's Latest Triumph

Toy Toy has put the rest of the music world to shame. Yet again. While tragic nobodies like Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears hawk their cheap perfumes and tatty wares to the masses, the thinking man's Jackson has just signed on as the face of the world's most expensive hand cream. Take that, haters! As far as I'm concerned this is a match made in heaven. Clearly the first thing that pops into your mind when you think of eternal youth and beauty is La Toya. She hasn't aged a day since Reagan was in office - thanks to a strict diet and no exercise according to her latest interview. Yes, adoring fans, Toy has given away some of her highly prized beauty secrets in a bid to promote Alessandro's Dream Cream (bottom)!

This video has me completely hypnotised. I can't remember the last time I've seen so much glamour captured on film. La Toya looks as ravishing as ever but she's almost shown up by the German stunner sitting next to her. As endlessly fascinated as I was to learn our Queen's hangover cure, the most exciting thing about the interview is confirmation that the Duchess of Dance will release a new album THIS YEAR! Admittedly, she's been saying that since 2002 but her manager correctly points out that 2010 marks the 30th anniversary of her debut and there are rumours that Teddy Riley has just been hired as the head of music development at Toy Toy's incredibly useless record label. Given his recent collaboration with Lady Gaga (Teddy produced "Teeth") this would be quite a coup for Ja-Tail. I'm extremely sceptical but stranger things have happened. Like La Toya being hired as the face of a luxury cosmetics company!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Kat De Luna & Akon - Push Push

Kat De Luna has to be the unluckiest woman in pop. The current urban dance craze can be traced directly back to her 2007 album "9 Lives", yet the Dominican diva gets no credit for paving the way for Rihanna & co - let alone acknowledgement for hooking up with RedOne well before Lady Gaga. I guess revenge is a dish best served bankrupt because Kat continues to work with the hottest names in the industry despite having more flops than Dannii. But there could be some method to her madness if "Push Push" is any indication. This stunning call to the dancefloor is one of the best American pop songs of 2010 (along with Livvi Franc's "Automatik" and the ubiquitous "Better Than Her"). The production - courtesy of RADIO - is equal parts electro-dance and dancehall. I love the catchy handclaps and vocal hooks, while the euphoric chorus grabs you by the balls and refuses to let go. Akon's rap is also a surprising treat. "Come on closer with your umbrella, 'cause you're about to get rained on" is either the year's most romantic rhyme or a disturbing reference to watersports that I'll choose to ignore! Don't be put off by the demos that have been floating around the net since January. The finished version (below) is a massive improvement, lifting the original material to new heights. "Push Push" is released on the 6th of April. Fingers crossed Queen Kat finally has a hit on her hands. Oh and make sure you check out the pop pioneer's Myspace to hear the song in Spanish. I want it. Bad!

EDIT: I got in trouble for posting the final version. Here's the next best thing on Youtube!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Return Of Soraya

Soraya is back! About a month ago I mentioned that Spain's Queen of pop had somehow found the time to collaborate with French DJ Antoine Clamaran on a new song despite her hectic schedule of nude photoshoots and Mónica Naranjo tribute shows. Well, Soy Soy's stunning anthem has finally hit the net and it's even more amazing than I expected! "Live Your Dreams" is a brilliant burst of Hi-NRG pop that cements the diva's status as Europe's greatest talent. Of all time. I have to admit that I usually prefer to hear Soraya sing in Spanish but her English has improved beyond recognition since 2007's "Dolce Vita". She sounds fabulous and Antoine's uplifting beats provide the perfect backdrop for her impressive pipes. My only gripe is the cover. Why is the toast of Extremadura posing like a crazy woman? And what the fuck is she wearing? Seriously, even Kate Ryan would draw the line at this shit! Oh well, you can't have everything. Unfortunately, there is no video as yet and knowing Soraya - there probably won't be one, so check out the song below. I predict that "Live Your Dreams" is going to be massive (in Gran Canaria)!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Kylie, Botox & Broccoli

New Weekly is my bible. Well, that and Famous because they once featured Heidi Montag on their best dressed list but I digress. The only thing that gets me out of bed on a Monday morning is the prospect of flipping through page after page of hard hitting journalism about fat celebrities, plastic surgery addicts and fame whores. Needless to say, I was particularly excited to see Dannii's older sister on the cover of last week's edition. Reading about Kylie's natural beauty is one of my favourite past times but nothing prepared me for this stunning exposé. Instead of pouring over pictures of my favourite singer's frozen forehead, I was mind raped by one of the most amusing works of fiction articles I've read in a long time. According to NW, the "once beautiful star" is frightening London with her "over-worked, Botoxed face" and is feeling "really old and tired". When not terrifying onlookers with her shocking appearance, the tragic figure apparently passes the time listening to her biological clock wind down. There's also the obligatory opinion from an expert plastic surgeon and some dubious quotes from a "friend of the pop star" (my guess is Jazzi P).

The main article is amazing but the hour by hour breakdown of Kylie's average day (above) is the real Pulitzer Prize winning material. Her daily routine allegedly begins with exhausting neck and face exercises. After that ordeal is over, she pops down to the local clinic to get Botox and Collagen injections. The poor bitch must buy the cheap stuff that wears off overnight! Next up is a trip to the recording studio, followed by a three hour dance workout. Is it even possible to do robotic hand movements for that long? That's actually the least of her problems. According to New Weekly, Kylie's average lunch - and dinner - is a bowl of raw broccoli! Yes, apparently our national treasure survives on two serves of uncooked roughage a day! Maybe she could try wrapping the florets in a tasty lettuce leaf for that extra burst of flavour. I'm a firm believer that the truth is overrated but this is too much. Who is going to be held responsible when Dannii catches wind of this article and desperately follows Kylie's "routine" until she faints or turns green? I'm outraged! On a happier note, here is a pic (below) of Kylie in the studio... well, her feet at least. With demos being passed around the music industry - to rave reviews, no less - I think it's only a matter of time until we hear our first taste of XI. I can't wait!

Ke$ha - The Live Experience

Forgive me Ke$ha for I have sinned. Until tonight's free concert at Fox Studios, I couldn't decided if you were the second coming of Kylie or just a sleazy skank with beer breath and a couple of semi-catchy tunes. I'm ashamed to admit that I even had the audacity to award your seminal pop masterpiece "Animal" a measly 7/10 in a recent review. However, I've seen the light and finally comprehend the full extent of your greatness. When you hit the stage looking like a drag queen crossed with a racing car driver, I was struck by your luminescent beauty and magnetic charisma. Even your double chin and camel toe were utterly alluring. The thing is, you radiate a warmth and sincerity that completely took me by surprise. I expected the brat from your iconic videos but you came across as the (admittedly slutty) girl next door performing karaoke after downing one too many Bacardi Breezers. And I say that with love. There was no pretence about the show whatsoever. You seemed genuinely thrilled to be there and gave 110% back to the fans.

Opening with "Backstabber" was a bold move that paid off. As was launching into the searing social commentary otherwise known as "Party At A Rich Dude's House". I now realise how amazing that song is and will never doubt your lyrical genius again. The unexpected highlight of the show was "Dinosaur". Your stunning choreography (clapping your hands and bumping into your guitarist) made Lady Gaga look like Bobo the clown, while your powerhouse vocals were pitch perfect. You then worked a miracle by making "Blah Blah Blah" bearable and closed the set in fine style by dragging out "Tik Tok". It was difficult to hear you over the army of 15 year old girls singing along but what I could make out was heavenly. Coming over to hug and greet your fans - I feel deeply honoured to have touched the rat's nest doubling as your hair - was a nice touch and no one in the audience will ever forget being sprayed by your glitter gun. I imagine it's the closest I'll ever get to a Bukkake session with Jesus. Anyhoo, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for questioning you in the past. You are the Bob Dylan of our generation and will go down in history as one of music's greatest storytellers. Now please release "Stephen" or "Kiss N Tell" as your next single and hurry back to Australia with a full concert tour to bring your magic to the masses.

Much love,

Mike

X

Monday, March 22, 2010

Introducing Kyrah

Watch out, pop fans. The first Ke$ha clone has officially arrived and she's packing one of 2010's catchiest anthems! That might sound like a backhanded compliment but there's no denying the similarities between Kyrah's debut single and everything pop music's favourite skank has ever recorded. And there's nothing wrong with that. "Tik Tok" wouldn't have worked without "Just Dance", just as that song owes a large debt to Rihanna's "Dont Stop The Music, which she, in turn, stole from Kat Deluna and so on and so forth all the way back to 1980 when La Toya did everything first. Fact! Anyway, back to Kyrah. To be honest, she's a bit of mystery woman. All I know is that she was born in the UK, raised in the US and has a batch of quirky pop songs streaming on her Myspace. Strangely enough, they're all very different to "Uh Oh". Her older material has a slightly gothic rock edge ("Darker Side" and "Angels In Pain"), while her debut is pure electro-dance. It's definitely a step in the right direction. If you overlook the Ke$ha comparisons, there is so much to love about this fierce party jam. "Uh Oh" has a killer chorus, great production and some of the year's classiest lyrics. I'm also slightly obsessed with the male backing vocalist who says "listen, Kyrah" like a drag queen on heat. And let's face it, any song that opens with "wake up wasted and it's oops I'm naked" was always going to end up on Pop Trash Addicts! I really think this girl can go a long way if she finds her own niche. She's gorgeous, knows how to write a catchy tune and has a great voice. Check out Kyrah's high brow exploration of social mores below. Give it a couple of listens. It's a massive grower.

Khia Vs Miley Cyrus

Mash ups are notoriously hit and miss. For every Ke$ha Vs Kylie, there are ten of these abominations. As a result, I was fairly sceptical when The Prophet sent me "Party On My Back, My Neck". I worship at the alter of Khia and the mere prospect of rap's second baddest bitch (after Choice) taking on Miley Cyrus was enough to give me a semi but I still feared the worst. Well, I couldn't have been more wrong. This shit is epic! Khia's filth anthem still sounds as outrageous today as it did in 2002, while Miley's G rated jam provides the perfect soundtrack for the song's sordid lyrics. These musical heavyweights need to join forces and re-record the track as a duet. Hannah Montana's army of tween fans will be pussy poppin' in no time! The person who slapped "My Neck, My Back (Lick It)" together with "Party In The USA" is clearly a visionary and deserves an award for services to the music industry. Fingers crossed they turn their attention to Choice and Dannii next. By the way, can some clever person please rip me an mp3 of this masterpiece? I think I've found my new ringtone!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

So Lonely - The Video

I'm so fucking excited! In late December I wrote a post about the making of Chris Sorbello's "So Lonely" video clip and after 3 long months, the damn thing has finally hit the net. At first I was almost too scared to watch it. I love Chris and really didn't want to test the boundaries of our friendship by trashing her video (if it wasn't any good). It's a huge relief to report that "So Lonely" is utterly fabulous. Which is a little surprising given the simple premise. Basically, Christina performs a series of robotic dance moves in increasingly quirky costumes in an abandoned warehouse with only a strobelight and smoke machine to keep her company. Not exactly "Telephone" then but director James Littlemore does a great job of capturing the song's subtlety and sparse beauty. I love the smoke effects - shadow puppets are so 2010! - and the crazy outfits. Particularly the hot disco tranny look at 1:15 minutes and the amazing knit dress at the end. Chris does a brilliant job with the choreography and holds everything together with her intensity and unique style. It's kind of surreal to see the finished product given that I spent most of the shoot chatting to the diva about September (don't ask) and stealing food from the caterers. Check out the video below and let me know what you think!

See my behind the scenes pics from the video shoot here!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Lady Gaga's Monster Ball - Live In Sydney

What a week! I thought Ami Suzuki's 30 minute DJ set of radio hits from 2009 would be hard to top but Lady Gaga's Monster Ball was even more riveting. Love her or hate her, it's impossible to deny the Picasso-esque beauty's incredible impact on popular culture and last night was a celebration of everything that makes Gaga so special - her stage theatrics, outrageous costumes and undeniable talent. Call the woman pretentious if you will but try telling that to the thousands of teenage girls, housewives and homosexuals who travelled from the suburbs to honour their icon in full Gaga dress. Before I get stuck into my review, I have to get one thing off my chest. As much as it pains me to say anything nice about Madonna, the fame monster owes Madge some new chicken cutlets for ruthlessly pillaging her Blond Ambition tour. It's not a criticism as such - Blond Ambition "borrowed" heavily from Liza With A Z (watch it if you don't believe me) - but the debt should be acknowledged. However, while Madonna did it first, Lady Gaga does it better. The Monster Ball chews up a seemingly endless string of influences and spits them out to create something new and wonderful.

Gaga's best angle

The show begins with a fairly grungy projection on plain white curtain. Lady Gaga then appears in silhouette to perform "Dance In The Dark" (one of my favourite songs from the album). As far as entrances go, it's actually quite dull. Someone lend her a DVD of Kylie's Fever tour so this can be rectified ASAP! Things rapidly improved when the curtain fell and Honey Bee's partner in crime strutted down a staircase to belt out "Glitter and Grease", "Just Dance" and "Beautiful Dirty Rich". The highlight of that tasty trio was definitely "Just Dance", which Gaga sang while playing a car shaped piano. It was at this time that the dirty diva introduced the show's theme - a Wizard of Oz inspired journey to the monster's ball, a place where freaks and weirdos are not only welcome but the norm. From that moment on the concert transformed into something akin to a rock opera. Only with really gay dance tunes. I loved the narrative and found it a perfect match for Gaga's theatrical aesthetic. The treatment was a little heavy handed in places - bitch, we get that your message is all about inclusion without you telling us every 5 minutes - but it worked and provided the perfect canvas for her imagination to run riot.

Stunning choreography!

To be honest, I'd never heard "Vanity" before last night's concert and I (rather shamefully) own 6 or 7 different editions of "The Fame". Gaga introduced the song saying she had been performing it since she was 18 - so I guess that makes it about 20 years old. Despite the track's astounding vintage, it's a brilliant punk infused pop/rock anthem that I desperately need on my iPod. I love it when Lady Gaga rocks out. Her ability to genre hop so effortlessly is what makes her so interesting. It also strikes me as vastly more authentic than her Madonna inspired rendition of "LoveGame" in a plastic nun's habit. On the bright side, it gave me "Like A Prayer" flashbacks, which remains my favourite old hag anthem. Much more exciting was her performance of "Boys Boys Boys" - in my opinion the best song on "The Fame" after "Poker Face" and "Just Dance". That was followed by a track I didn't recognise ("Money Honey" according to other reviews I've read) before an angel appeared to drag the concert to previously undreamed of heights. "Telephone" is amazing enough on its own but I was wondering how she would cover Beyoncé's verse. As it turns out, she just played a recording of her part and sang along. Hearing the true Queen of American pop's voice gave me chills and I loved Gaga's quip about Beyjesus busting her out of gaol. Seeing the choreography from the video performed with startling accuracy was also a sight to behold. Epic!

Good witch Glenda

From here on in things got a little weird. The Lady sat down at a flaming piano to perform a couple of ballads and really brought "Brown Eyes" to life. Next up was "Speechless", another of my favourite tracks from "The Fame Monster". I love the song and her performance was extraordinary until she stopped halfway through and started rambling about her struggle to make it, feeling like a freak and loving her fans so very much. She then burst into tears before finishing the song. I'm not sure if the outburst was genuine (it would be interesting to know if she does it at every show) but it was nice to catch a rare glimpse of Stefani Germanotta. She quickly disappeared as Gaga re-emerged dressed as good witch Glenda to perform "So Happy I Could Die" on a platform that was elevated high above the crowd. Her costume was spectacularly beautiful and the set design was equally exquisite. While that might have been the concert's prettiest moment, "Monster" was probably the best choreographed and performed number. I've always like the song but she really took it to the next level and I haven't been able to stop listening to it since. Please release this as a single!

An exclusive pic of Gaga sans make up!

Another song that sounds vastly better live than on record is "Teeth". I can't even listen to it on "The Fame Monster" but it was bearable last night. More appealing was the delightful "Alejandro", which I believe is now officially going to be the third single. This segment was completely over the top - with Gaga pretending to die before demanding the audience to recognise her endless sex appeal (stop laughing!) and being dropped in a fountain spraying blood or red wine. It was completely ludicrous and pretty ridiculous to anyone old enough to know the various films, artists and performers she's ripping off but I loved every second of it. Unlike most fans, I actually think Gaga is in on the joke. Next up was another costume change - Kylie's catsuit from the "Telephone" video! - for "Poker Face", followed by an anime/King Kong inspired performance of "Paparazzi". Both were brilliant but the staging of "Paparazzi" was so simple yet effective (love the blow up monster!) that it left more of an impact. For the big finale Gaga dragged out "Bad Romance" and proved yet again why that is one of the greatest pop songs of all time. The costume was amazing but I'm constantly surprised how that anthem continues to develop and evolve. I could whinge about the increasingly long costume changes, the insipid speeches about being true to yourself and her general artistic thievery but that would be to deny her undeniable talent as a performer and her current status - like it or not - as one of pop music's greatest visionaries.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Touched By The Hand Of Amigod!

Japanese pop icon Ami Suzuki rocked the Gold Coast to its very foundations on Sunday night without even picking up a microphone. At first I was slightly disappointed that I'd flown from Sydney to listen her holiness play a bunch of CDs but just being in her presence was enough to turn the evening into a semi-religious experience. That and the fact that she accidentally spilled some water on my head. Yes, bitches - I've been baptised by Amigod! Apart from that life changing moment, the highlight of the evening was undoubtedly hearing Ami play a fabulous mash of "Free Free" and "Can't Get You Out Of My Head". I wish she played more of her own music but at least she picked the two best songs from her vast catalogue of hits. Other tracks spun by the pop legend include "Just Dance", "Sexy Bitch" and "Boom Boom Pow". Ami is so cutting edge! There isn't actually that much I can write about a DJ set, so I thought I'd let the pictures do the talking.

While lesser stars play at common venues like Acer Arena and the Entertainment Centre, Ami prefers to keep it real by rocking Bedroom Nightclub. Conveniently located near Condom Kingdom and a kebab store.

Ami-mania even spread to the urinal. Pissing in public has never been more glamorous!

The divine diva looked absolutely stunning in her floral dress. Love the sequined headphones.

Ami was the picture of concentration...

But eventually let loose and drove the crowd into a frenzy with her amazing tunes.

She changed her own CDs and everything!

"How did it come to this?"

In all seriousness, I think more pop stars should do DJ sets. Just think how much more enjoyable an Annie or Little Boots concert would be if you didn't have to hear them sing. Ami is such a trendsetter! As much as I'd love to see Lady Suzuki perform live, it was enough just to be in the same room as her. She's doing another show in Brisbane on Thursday, so head along to catch a glimpse of Japan's true Queen of pop. You might even run into these lovely girls!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Ami Suzuki

Soon I will bask in her magical glow...

Friday, March 12, 2010

Telephone: The Adventures Of GaGa & Honey B

"I told you she didn't have a dick" quips a guard after throwing Lady GaGa in her prison cell. So begins the most highly anticipated music video in recent history. Yes people, "Telephone" is finally here! After months of delays, the 9 and a half minute Jonas Åkerlund directed opus has just hit the web and it's everything I could have hoped for. The lovingly sleazy homage to 70s sexploitation movies picks up where "Paparazzi" left off. GaGa has landed in gaol but makes the most of her free time by making out with hot dykes and posing naked in crime scene tape. Basically your average episode of Cell Block H with higher production values! Things heat up when a super sexy Beyoncé bails our heroine out and they go on a Thelma & Louise inspired killing spree.

"Telephone" is truly staggering in its scope. It all has everything - lesbian love scenes, brilliant dance routines, jaw dropping costumes (smoking sunglasses is THE LOOK for 2010) and a surprisingly witty script. I particularly love the little in-jokes. Like the aforementioned crack about Lady GaGa having a penis and the gags about Beyoncé's eating habits. The camp dialogue is also pretty amazing. "Once you kill a cow you gotta make a burger" and "I knew you'd take all my honey, you selfish motherfucker" spring to mind. I hoped Beyjesus would do the right thing and let Lady GaGa shine after completely stealing the show in "Videophone" and she graciously obliges - at least for the first half of the mini movie until her superior beauty and Oscar calibre acting ability makes it an impossible task! If I had to choose a favourite scene it would be Lady GaGa's cooking demonstration or the choreography in big finale, which showcases the phenomenal talent of pop music's two biggest stars.

10/10

PS. Did Lady GaGa steal Kylie's catsuit from Showgirl Homecoming?!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Holestar - London's NyLon Woman

Holestar is the hottest tranny mess in England, which is quite impressive given that she's a biological woman! It's been done before - see Spain's legendary La Terremoto de Alcorcón - but what makes this chick without a dick unique is the fact that she's more than an admittedly fabulous one trick pony. The gender-bending diva made a name for herself on London's underground cabaret scene (memorably getting her tits out in this George Michael video) before deciding to revolutionise pop music as we know it. Instead of going down the high camp route like every other bitch with a feather boa, Holestar's debut has a welcome edge to it. "NyLon Woman" is a spiky electro anthem that positively crackles with wit and attitude. I love the fierce lyrics (my favourite line - "It was me who put the ho in Soho!") and the 2010 via 1985 approach to production. A video is on the way, so you'll have to make do with the audio for now. Learn more about the UK's latest faux tranny pop sensation here and listen to her stunning debut below!

Holestar - NyLon Woman

Mi Corazón Gitano

Mi destino es andar,
Mis recuerdos son una estela en el mar

Let's face it, Shakira's "She Wolf" is already dead and buried outside of the Spanish speaking world. And I blame Sony. "Give It To Me" was an abomination and the company clearly spent more money on Kelly Clarkson's catering budget than Shakira's last couple of videos. The only thing that could revive the project now is rush releasing "Men In This Town" but even that hauntingly beautiful electronic masterpiece would have trouble saving this sinking ship. It's devestating because the album is extraordinary and deserves to be huge. Take single number four. "Gypsy" grabs you by the heartstrings and showcases the diva's stunning versatility. Who else could go from whoring it up in a glittery vagina to strumming a gentle folk song with such ease and authenticity? This is vintage Shakira. The quirky lyrics ooze a sunny melancholy, while the organic production owes more to 1969 than 2009 (when it was recorded). I love every second of it. I just happen to love the Spanish version more. Shakira sounds more natural in her native tongue and the translation is lovely. I wish I could speak the language well enough to get all the nuances but what I can understand is pure poetry. "Gitana" is being tacked onto the South American re-release of "She Wolf" as a bonus track but will hopefully appear on iTunes eventually. If not you might have to steal it get a little creative. The video (below) is well worth checking out. A lot has been made of Rafael Nadal's constant state of undress but I can't take my eyes of Shakira. She is the sexiest woman alive. After La Toya.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Matisse Does It Better Than Most

Pop fans might recognise Matisse as one half of flop girlband Brit & Alex. They had a minor hit with "Let It Go" a couple of years ago but they were better known for just being really hot twins. Since then Brit has dumped her sister (cold!), changed her name and recorded one of the best pop anthems of 2010. Catchy doesn't even come close to describing "Better Than Her". I've been walking around humming the song for days and still can't get the damn thing out of my head. This shit is more addictive than chocolate coated heroin! As much as I'm obsessed with Matisse, it's actually quite difficult to explain her debut single's immense appeal. The production isn't particularly original and the song is irritatingly repetitive. However, on closer inspection, you're rewarded with an unexpectedly gorgeous melody that harks back to 80s power pop and a genuinely epic chorus. Think Madonna circa 1985 produced by a cheap RedOne imitator and you're halfway to understanding the track's brilliance! A lot of credit has to go to Matisse. The girl has attitude to burn and a surprisingly distinctive voice that holds up well against the heavy production. Fans of Livvi Franc's "Automatik" and Tania Foster's "Supawoman" will adore this. A big thanks to The Prophet for bringing Matisse to the masses.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Choice - Remembering Rap's Baddest Bitch

Despite only having two flop albums to her credit, Choice changed the face of music forever. Her foul mouthed fabulousness broke barriers for female artists by tackling subjects that were previously considered taboo - like big dicks, dildos and hungry pussies. This pioneer should be the toast of the hip hop world. Without her there would be no Lil' Kim, Khia or Nicky Minaj. It's something of a tragedy then that Choice's stunning legacy is all but forgotten outside of the gay community. A talent of this calibre should be living the high life instead of working at McDonalds or turning tricks (my money's on the latter). With any luck this post will win Choice a couple of new fans. I live in hope that she will emerge like a phoenix from the ashes and reclaim her crown as rap's baddest bitch.

Born Kim Davis, the soon to be legendary diva changed her name to Choice and quickly made waves on Houston's hip hop scene. Her big break came in 1989 when she featured on Willie D's charmingly titled "I Need Some Pussy". Choice was quickly snapped up by Rap-A-Lot records and her debut album was released in 1990. I usually find rap about as appealing as death metal but "The Big Payback" remains one of my favourite albums of all time. When not dissing her male contemporaries (Ice Cube and NWA both get a serve), Choice raps about her sexcapades in graphic detail. The shrinking violet explores cunnilingus on "Cat Got Your Tongue":

Just like a dope fiend getting a hit
You happy as fuck when you're licking my clit


Before moving on to dick size on "Mr Big Stuff":

Leaving my cunt unsatisfied,
Whoever told you you had a big dick lied!


My favourite track is "Pipe Dreams" (listen to it in all its filthy glory below), which finds Choice ruminating on her favourite sexual experiences. I could quote the entire song but this is one of the more demure examples:

I couldn't take it without lubrication
It had to be the biggest damn dick in the nation


They say lightning doesn't strike twice but "Stick-N-Move" (released in 1992) is only slightly less amazing than "The Big Payback". Choice still had her mind in the gutter but this time around at she at least discovered safe sex. "HIV Positive" has to be one of the most politically incorrect songs of all time ("HIV positive, you know the AIDS?") but I'm ashamed to admit how many times I've played it over the years. Other highlights from the diva's brilliant sophomore album are "Choice Is Choosie", "Tales From The Sexside" (which includes the immortal line "stuck my dildo in his ass until his asshole bled") and "Humpin'". The album was actually quite successful by Choice's standards - it reached #83 on the R&B Chart! - but sadly it proved to be her last hurrah and she has literally never been heard from again. Wherever Choice is, I hope she's still having pipe dreams and knows how sorely she's missed by her small army of gay fans.

STOP PRESS!

Choice is now on Facebook. She only has 7 fans - so add her!

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Cascada's Two Big Hits

Isn't it funny how a really big hit can sometimes backfire and sabotage an album? "Evacuate The Dancefloor" was absolutely huge for Cascada. So big, in fact, that it completely overshadowed all the singles that followed and basically killed the whole project. Take the UK. Natalie's line by line re-make of "Just Dance" spent 4 weeks at #1, while "Dangerous" stalled at a shameful #67. In the digital age pop stars need a string of hits to keep their albums afloat - see Lady GaGa and Beyoncé - or fans will just download the song and move on. Which is exactly what happened to Germany's favourite big boned Fräulein. It's interesting then that Australia appears to have bucked the trend and embraced Cascada's latest flop. "Fever" didn't even chart in the UK but it debuted at #48 over here a couple of weeks ago (before falling off) but looks set to climb again given its current top 40 position on iTunes and across the board radio adds. I swear, we're the new Japan. Any old shit can chart in this country! And that's exactly what "Fever" is. Shit. The only redeeming thing about it is the tragic video, which finds a corset clad Natalie crawling over a boardroom table. However, it's not all doom and gloom for pop's premiere Hi-NRG hooker.

Cascada recently unveiled a brand new track. "Pyromania" was originally rumoured to be a Timbaland production but I think that's about as likely as Janet donating her sex toys to charity. Not that it matters because this is the German dance outfit's finest moment. A lot of people have accused the band of further pillaging Lady GaGa's back catalogue but I don't hear it. The song is squarely aimed at the American market (much like "Evacuate The Dancefloor") but this time around they have refrained from reverse engineering their favourite track from "The Fame". To me, "Pyromania" is a classy attempt at capturing the RedOne sound while staying true to their Eurotrash roots. GaGa could never come up with lyrics as inspired as "pyro pyro-mania ma ma ma mania". They already have next year's Ivor Novello award in the bag! I'm not sure if this is from a completely new album or simply the latest single from a scheduled re-release of "Evacute The Dancefloor" (my guess) but I think team Cascada has another winner on its hands. Make sure you check out the typically ridiculous video (below). Natalie proves once again why her child bearing hips are worshipped the world over!

Something You Probably Won't Like

I'm in love with a song. It's early days yet and we're still getting to know each other but as Donna Summer once said - this time I know it's for real. The thing is... I don't think you'll approve. You see, "Home" isn't typical Pop Trash fodder. I actually feel kind of dirty for hooking up with a tune that made JJJ's hot 100 countdown but the heart wants what the heart wants. If you've never heard of Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros, you're not alone. I happily ignored the band until I stumbled across "Home" and felt like I'd just been tea-bagged by Jesus. As it turns out, the group is a much hyped 11 piece from California fronted by a couple of shaggy hippies called Alex and Jade. They describe their music as psychedelic folk rock but I think "Home" sounds more like Sonny and Cher crosssed with The Mamas & The Papas. On really good acid. I love the whistles, tambourines and brass. I adore the sweet chorus. And I want to marry the person who wrote the lyrics. The romantic exchange (at 3:15 mins) about Jade falling out a window, almost "breaking her ass" chokes me up every time. Finally a new song to add to my wedding playlist! Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros are touring Australia at the end of the month. See you there.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Sun Ho - The New BoA?

Singapore's Sun Ho is the latest Asian superstar to waste spend her millions on a bunch of A List producers in the desperate hope of cracking the American market. It's a strategy that failed to pay dividends for Utada and my beloved BoA but here's hoping the most famous Ho in Asia has more luck. The striking diva first appeared on my radar in 2008 when she recorded a duet with Olivia Newton-John called "Isn't It Amazing". That collaboration inspired me to do some digging and I was surprised to discover that she had a string of US and UK club hits extending back to 2003. Interestingly, Sun's latest single is something of a departure from her usual dance sound. "Fancy Free" has more than a touch of P!nk about it. I like the attitude filled pop/rock anthem in its original form - nothing gets me going like a deluded 38 year old ranting about her endless sex appeal - but the remixes really bring the song to life. No surprise then that "Fancy Free" is already a top 10 smash on the US club chart. The rest of her album sounds promising too. With contributions from Darkchild, Danja, Rob Knox and Chuck Harmony already in the can, we should be hearing a lot more from the pride of Singapore in 2010. In the meantime, check out the amazing Dave Aude remix of "Fancy Free" (below). The video isn't exactly shabby either!

Monday, March 01, 2010

Chris Sorbello's ARIA Debut

The Chris Sorbello juggernaut has finally taken off. In the most stunning chart development since Dannii's "Touch Me Like That" rocketed all the way to #96 on iTunes, Australia's latest dance sensation makes her ARIA debut this week. At #36 on the Club Chart. Smash! I've been raving about "So Lonely" to anyone who would listen for ages, so I'm ecstatic that it's starting to build some serious momentum. The Hook N Sling mix is absolutely phenomenal and I'm confident the track will continue to win over clubbers in the lead up to its April release date. Listen to the remix on the diva's freshly overhauled Myspace or better yet, score a free download by pre-ordering "So Lonely" here. Chris has been a very busy girl over the past few months but I'm holding off a proper update until her video drops - which I'm told will be any day now. Stay tuned!